A Thing or Two I Learned About Confidence This Past Year
The moment a child is born they are surrounded by people - doctors, nurses parents, and/or other loved ones. Once the dust settles, that baby leaves the hospital and goes home with their parents. They are a baby - they can’t feed themselves, offer comfort, or change their outfits. They are dependent on their parents and the amount of care they give.
During these first few years, a person develops their attachment style, which sets the scene for their relationships, behaviors, and confidence. There are 4 attachment styles. Secure attachment means caregivers consistently respond to distress in loving ways, such as picking up the infant and reassuring them. Avoidant attachment means caregivers consistently respond to distress in rejecting ways, such as ignoring, ridiculing, or becoming annoyed. Anxious attachment means caregivers respond in inconsistent, unpredictable ways, such as expecting the infant to worry about the caregiver’s needs or by amplifying the infant’s stress. Finally, fearful attachment means caregivers in high-risk situations do not use any of these strategies for dealing with stress and negative emotion.
Each attachment style sets the premise for the rest of that child’s life. Ideally, a person leaves babyhood with a secure attachment. They are set up for typically happier and healthier life than the 3 counterparts; securely attached people take more risks, build stronger bonds with others, trust others, and generally have unshakeable self-confidence.
Recently, after speaking with my therapist, I became conscious of my strong avoidant attachment style. It explains why I spend lots of time in solitude in order to avoid conflict, why I have a hard time confronting people, and why I can cut people out of my life pretty easily without feeling remorse (maybe too honest?). It also explains why I have a hard time pushing fear to the side, my crushing imposter syndrome, and my struggle to be truly independent.
Over this past year, weekly therapy, daily meditation, and self-compassion have been paramount. I realized that the confidence I once had was shaded by deep inner fears - the fear that I’m not enough, the fear of being hurt, and the fear of dependence and independence. Becoming conscious of my personal pain-points allows me to smooth the edges and actively participate in improving my thoughts and actions. I am also able to practice compassion for myself - I didn’t get what I needed as a child. As the author Catherine Pulsifer once said, "Focus on fixing the problem, never focus on the blame. Problems are only resolved when solutions are sought." Luckily, I am surrounded by people willing to lend a hand. What’s your attachment style? How does it affect your confidence?
