A Mavoure Story About Feeling Lost, Suffering from Dependency, and The Ground-Breaking Therapy That Can Help

Years ago, after I graduated college, I unhappily lived back at home and ended a short-term relationship. I felt sad, adrift, and had a difficult time getting out of bed. I knew I needed more help so I sought therapy. I tried it before, though never had success so I decided I needed to get more specific. I refined my list to trauma-informed therapy. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Melissa. She studied heart-centered meditation while pursuing her degree and has a “unique approach of changing states of mind to incorporate a present awareness during increasingly challenging times.” I gave her a call and I could tell she was fumbling her phone. She was somewhere busy, possibly a coffee shop.

We booked an appointment for the following Tuesday. I arrived early with my paperwork and sat in the waiting room. There were two doors. Hers on the right, her colleagues on the left. A water feature sat on the right side of the room and there was a kitchenette on the left. The sound of the water was nice. As she sifted through the papers, she appeared quite startled and asked, “you’re 22?”. I replied yes. “Wow, I don’t usually take patients under 26. You sounded much older on the phone. I guess people are ready earlier these days.” 

At the end of our session, she left me with one task. Write down the things you get upset with this week. I did so, and came to the next session with an unbelievably long list. “The other day we were sitting down for dinner and my mom wouldn’t sit until her husband was settled. He kept getting upset and needing more things for the table and she served him everything. Her food was cold when she sat. It made me so angry. I don’t know why she does this.”

She sat there, smug, and finally said “well, what are you like when you’re in a relationship?” I thought to myself for a second and realized I depended on the men I had dated before, just like my mom at the dinner table. Whenever I was in a relationship I completely focused on them and forgot about the things I wanted to accomplish. Whenever I ended a relationship I had this piercing realization that I would have to figure out how to get a job and how to make enough money to support the life I wanted. I was never sad because I missed them or the relationship, I was sad because being with them was comfortable. This feeling was so strange for me because I had dreams of more. Since I was a child I knew I would have my own business and be a strong leader. I always looked up to businesswomen who built successful companies, were stylish, and a good example of a female leader.

Melissa helped me see I had a family pattern of dependency to overcome. Dependency was so embedded in my life and life of those around me I didn’t know anything else. I never saw a woman in my family stand up to men. I never saw a relationship I admired. My mother was complacent in me being treated poorly as a child. 

Melissa guided me through seeing myself in the mirror. Everything I became upset by was me seeing qualities I didn’t like in myself in others. In order to counteract this dependence I experienced Melissa encouraged me to create a list of independent things I yearned for. Entering my career as a Service Design, becoming a strong leader, and starting my own business, all while leaning on a positive family pattern: entrepreneurship. I used one of her heart-centered meditations to become comfortable with the fact that I was dependent. As I did, I started to care for myself even though I was dependent. Facing this side of myself hurt me physically. Everytime I dropped into the meditation I felt pressure and queasiness in my heart and stomach. No wonder I tried to avoid my dependency. 

Luckily, these patterns can be healed in relationships. Melissa was indispensable while I went through this. I could lean on her during difficult moments and trust her to help me. When I focused on my dream of independence my body felt light and airy. I thought of myself working a Service Design job, in a leadership role, and running my own business. These meditations helped me balance out and recover from dependence. 

On May 18th, a year and a half to the day from my first session, I sat in Melissa’s office yet again. My background check passed and I was set to start my first full time job at a Fortune 100 in a week. I would travel out West to see family for the Summer before I moved to New York City in the Fall. She said very casually that this appointment would be our last. I found my independence and graduated from therapy with her.

Years later, I’m thankful for my independence. I have a career I’m proud of, lead in my industry, and continue to refine my leadership skills. I look forward to the day it feels right to put an entity larger than myself into the world. My takeaway is to find a therapist who will help you work through dependency and bad feelings you may have deep down. I wish you the independence to do what you want, when you want, and how you want.